Since moving back to the US from China now almost 10 months ago, I hadn't stopped to answer this question. I jumped right into grad school, work, travel; running from myself and what this question might uncover. Between bimonthly trips to warm weather destinations in an effort to escape a winter I was also not willing to face, I began hearing more from my friends in Shanghai about a virus coming out of another city- Wuhan. As people began the great diaspora for Chinese New Year holidays in late January, the usual cloud of air pollution was replaced by a cloud of genuine concern as gyms, restaurants and retail establishments began to close. I continued to follow the daily happenings in China, conscious of what I posted on WeChat (China's primary social media platform) while sharing videos of government lockdowns and chemical spray downs with my friends here in the US. Despite spending the last half decade in China and getting daily "on-the-ground" updates from people both foreign and local, I looked on scared for them but unconcerned for us. This was a "China" issue, if anything we should be more worried about the effect of a few more weeks of post Chinese New Year manufacturing shut down on our supply chain.

It was the last weekend of January and I was on my way to Miami for the Super Bowl, sans Vikings of course. Thrust into an international city jam packed with crowded events I began to notice others' uncertainty when they discovered I had recently repatriated. I found myself clarifying with each conversation that I hadn't been there in months and yet tension remained. Would my Chinese friends in town for the game be able to return? I had heard of a few others stranded as flights to the mainland started to cancel left and right. In China, the government had already put a full stop on 2020. An app was mandated to be downloaded through Alipay that required a myriad of personal information to determine if you were green (healthy), yellow (at risk), red (high risk). To navigate any aspect of life in China you needed to prove that you were "safe" by scanning your QR code. Temperature scans we're rampant and even on your food delivery you had the names and temperatures of every human that had come in contact with your order. Soon after Wuhan went into lockdown so did the rest of the country. On my return flight I kept more distance between myself and those in masks and started to think this might be more than a "China problem."

I thought to myself as I lay in my bed sweating profusely, ridden with fever and a raw throat. It was the beginning of March and I had just returned from another warm weather escape. I had clearly picked something up on the trip but not once did it cross my mind it was anything other than the flu; until work asked me to not come back to the office. Let me clarify- I have NOT had covid-19 to my knowledge, but as a precaution I was asked to self quarantine at home for a week. Within that week the few isolated cases of the novel corona virus became not so novel as they spread at an alarming rate. I was told I had to get tested in order to come back to the office so I applied to one of the newly opened drive through clinics only to be turned away due to lack of tests, despite checking off most of the boxes. Each day brought new change and challenge as restaurants, retail, and offices shut down across the country. On the morning of Monday March 16th I sat working from home when I got a call from my sister. She is a type-1 diabetic living alone in Chicago and things had started to escalate there. As a high risk individual we were worried about her taking public transportation, an inability to store enough medicine in case of supply chain issues and did not want her going through this by herself. I packed a cooler for her insulin and got in the car speeding through tolls to pick her up and bring her back to Minnesota. There, on an empty I-94 highway, 7 hours into a 14 hour drive I realized this was now very much a global problem.

It was 1am on Wednesday March 18th. I hadn't slept in days and I wasn't about to start now. I had returned my sister safely to Minnesota but I was not able to rest myself. I started filling my car with every possible item I might need from Target (along with a few cases from Total Wine) and waited for my family to wake up. "I have to leave. I've got to go to the cabin." My mother responded with a hesitant okay while waiting for my father to join the conversation. A tumultuous back and forth ensued. I've never been good at expressing emotion, but I had reached a tipping point. "Let her go." my sister chimed in. With my sister's blessing my parents reluctantly agreed. I told them I'd stay in constant contact and we'd see how this played out, but I knew I needed to be alone, I had a lot to process. I hugged them goodbye, got in the car, and headed due north. As I exited onto 169N in Elk River it all hit me at once. Tears streamed down my face, I gasped and heaved for air as I sobbed, turning up the radio to drown out the sound of my own cry.

I wondered as I I pulled in to our secluded cabin in Crosslake, MN. The entire drive seemed to be a blur. I let out my dog who was happy to be running free of leash or collar. I unpacked the car, organized the fridge and pantry and opened up all the blinds. I had no tears left, I had somehow worked through a decade's worth of emotions and had come to a screeching halt. I could no longer run from my own demons and insecurities as I had been for so many years. I faced the music, I let it all out, and as I sat silently on my sofa, I wondered what was next. For the first night in many, I slept soundly. The next morning, I realized I had been given a gift. The gift of my own time and the time of others. In an effort to use this time wisely, I made a call for people who were willing to share their stories of quarantine, covid-19, and coming out on the other side. I spent my first few weeks in isolation feeling more connected than ever before as I interviewed friends in China, Spain, Italy and beyond.I hope now their stories can serve as a warning, a guide, and most importantly a source of hope for what lies before us. We got here because of separation, because of pompousness, because we thought things like this would never happen to "us." Where do we go from here? We go forward. Armed with knowledge, compassion, and an understanding that we, as a global community, are all in this together, and together we will make it to the other side.